No Turning Back
by rebellious tendencies
Summary: Sirius Black fell for Lily Evans faster than you could say, "Cheater," despite the fact that she already had a boyfriend. But once he learns of James's plan to propose to her, things become complicated, and he has a decision to make. ONESHOT


**A/N: So, this is my first Fanfiction ever, and I'm quite happy with it. Thanks to Hannah, for getting me on this site. You're the craziest friend I have, and yet you inspire me so. Read and Review, everyone!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I'd be publishing this, not putting it on .**

"This is wrong." Sirius gasped, breaking the liplock he had been sharing with a shirtless Lily Evans on the Gryffindor Common Room couch.

"I don't care," the redhead responded stubbornly, her green eyes darkened with desire as she leaned up and kissed him tenderly again, and all thoughts of right and wrong suddenly flew out of his mind as a moan escaped his lips. And then, out of nowhere, he felt Lily's body go rigid underneath him, and she turned her head towards the entrance to the Common Room. Sirius quickly looked over, and a sense of dread washed over him.

"Prongs..."

Sirius sat up abruptly in his bed in the boy's dormitory, his body covered with a cold sweat, breathing hard. 'Just a dream... Just a dream...' He told himself, but, in fact, the dream had just confirmed his worst fears. It had been going on for six months. Six whole months, he'd been going around with his best friend's girl behind his back. And he'd justified it somehow in his twisted mind, with his even more twisted morals, but it had to stop sooner or later. He glanced over to make sure James was still sleeping soundly, and when he saw that he was, Sirius collapsed back on his pillow.

His life was so fucked up right now, it wasn't even funny.

It had started out innocently enough. A simple game of truth or dare, with lots of Veritaserum and alcohol involved. Somebody had dared Sirius to snog Lily for two minutes. And, being completely smashed, he'd done it. He'd done it, and it'd been the worst- and best- decision of his life. For that kicked off a conversation afterwards, which lead to a confession, which lead to many tears, and which eventually led to an unspoken agreement. They'd go behind James's back, because neither of them could stand to see him hurt. So for half a bloody year, they'd gone on as if life was normal, but it wasn't. Sometime in these short months, Sirius Black had fallen passionately, irrationally, and irrevocably in love. And that was not normal in itself- not even counting that it was with James's girl.

And as if this wasn't enough shit for him to deal with, tonight James had announced to the Marauders his plans for after graduation, and shown them all a small velvet box containing a small diamond ring. And at that moment, Sirius knew that it was all over. He couldn't stop seeing Lily. He loved her so much that is physically hurt him inside. And, deep down, he suspected that James didn't. Sure, he thought he did, and that went a long way with blokes, but it wasn't real. And when would he find that out? After he married her? God forbid, after they had a kid? The mere thought made Sirius want to punch somebody in the face. He wanted nothing more than to drag Lily into that room right now, kiss her right in front of James, and to tell him, "Fuck off, she's mine." But he couldn't. He owed James his life- literally.

James was the only other person that knew it, but when he had run away from his home at the young age of sixteen, he showed up, bloodied, bruised, and barely breathing at Prongs's doorstep. His father hadn't exactly taken too kindly to his Gryffindor ways, and had finally decided to 'put the boy in his god damned place', as he said himself. If the Potters hadn't taken him in, Sirius had no doubt in his mind that he would've died, sooner or later. And you couldn't exactly thank a man for that by going around and fucking his fiancee behind said man's back.

It wasn't right. But did that make it wrong? Couldn't there be shades of gray, shades that justified his actions? It was said that all's fair in love and war. And he loved Lily more than life itself- how could something that intense be wrong?

But he knew. Sirius knew that it was inevitable. Lily was going to leave him, leave him as soon as James popped the question. Leave him so her- their- family would have a shot at being functional. Leave him for the greater good. He couldn't do anything about it, except wallow in the past, and what they had held once, a love to conquer all.

So, sitting, covered in a cold sweat in that familiar old bed with the notches on the headboard, Sirius made the hardest decision of his life. It was either leave, or be left. And he couldn't stand hearing Lily tell him that she didn't love him. That would literally kill him; and even if he didn't, he'd probably finish the job himself. He simply wouldn't be able to handle it. So that left one option.

Hands shaking, and silent tears running down his face, he stood up from his bed and got into his schoolbag, drawing out a piece of parchment, a quill, and a jar of ink. He sat down next to the large window, the soft moonlight drifting in from above guiding his trembling hand across the page.

Dear Lily,

You have no idea how much it hurts me to write this, but I have to tell you this.

It's been six months, Lily. Six months we've been going behind James's back, for the sake of our love. And you were right, that first night after that game of truth or dare- it isn't right. Not only is it not right, it's wrong. I can't do this anymore, Lily. I love you, so god damned much, it makes me want to kill myself, but I know that I don't deserve you. I know that I could never make you truly happy, give you a nice family with a clapboard house, a white picket fence, and little kids running around the front lawn. That's not the man that I am, Lily. I'm just a lonely soul, looking for comfort. You gave it to me, and I fell irrevocably for you.

But I can't go behind his back anymore. I can't sacrifice my temporary happiness for your forever with each other. Much as I want to, I can't, and I won't.

Just promise me one thing: Never forget what we had together. Never forget the moments we shared, the love we once had. Even when I'm dead and gone, and you're sitting in a rocker somewhere, never forget me. I know that I won't forget you. You know, however deep down it may be, that I'm not the man meant for you. A teenaged love, sure, but not your perfect match. I'm stepping aside, Lily, so you can be truly happy.

Love,  
Sirius

It took everything Sirius had not to throw the letter into the Common Room fire as he passed it on his way to the girl's dormitory. It would be easy just to watch his regrets burn, and then continue on loving Lily... No. He snapped out of his daze, and, clenching his jaw, headed up the stairway and just outside of the seventh year girl's room. Before he could stop himself, he shoved it under the doorway, so it fluttered to the hardwood on the other side.

There was no turning back now- he had done it. It was over. Sirius sank to the floor, his back against the wall, and began to cry.


End file.
